Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Vote early, and vote often!

That's our motto, here in Chicago.  And, as you'll note, it has worked out just fine for us.


Anyway, considering there is a vexing level of voter apathy -- especially on the we're-about-to-get-clobbered-so-why-bother left -- I thought I'd share another gem from fellow Episcopalian and home-state funnyman, Daily Kos' own Bill in Portland Maine.  In today's episode, he votes early...and it's so damn charming and rib-tickling that perhaps it will (re-)inspire you to get out and vote yourself.  So, without further ado, please give a big DraneSpout welcome to Bill in Portland Maine:

I Voted...and ALMOST DIED!!!
It was a cold, sunny Tuesday afternoon when I Sylvester Stallone'd up the fourteen granite steps to the lobby of City Hall, Gene Kelly'd up the thirty-four marble steps to the second floor, and Lady Gaga'd my way down the hall and into the Great State of Maine stateroom. There I came eyeball-to-eyeball with a middle-aged election worker with middle-aged blonde hair. I also noticed she was wearing the Forbidden Pearls of the Magic Palace of Madagascar that I'd spent my life and fortune seeking at great human cost. I would deal with them later. For now I was just here to vote.
I presented my valid photo ID to the election lady. She scrutinized it with eagle eyes, gazing up at my mug, then down at the driver's license photo. Then up...then down. Then updownupdownupdown. No imposters were gonna slip by on her watch, bub. I prayed to god that I was who my ID says I was, and it turns out...I am.
She returned my ID, gathered a set of three cafeteria-tray-size ballot sheets, and sent me off to a makeshift voting booth with a warning: "Use the black marker and only the black marker provided, or you'll leave here through that yonder winder. I shuffled to my cube, inserted a jeweler's loupe into my eye socket and got down to the business of participatory democracy.
The first oval I filled in was for Libby Mitchell for governor.  The second nod I gave was to Chellie Pingree for a second term as my congressbuttkicker. All those admonitions from my elementary school teachers to "Color inside the lines! Color inside the lines!" were paying off. My ovals were perfect---model ovals, in fact, that other voters would be proud to emulate.
I voted to make Portland's mayor an actual elected official, overturning the centuries-old process of dumping the Sacred Lobster Shells of Casco Bay onto the city council chamber floor and letting our seer choose. I voted for a bond to improve dental care in the state. I voted to approve various charter recommendations that made my eyes glaze over. And I voted to legalize the recreational use of pot, even though it wasn't "officially" on the ballot.
And that was that. I hastily sealed my ballots inside my envelope so that the voter in the cube next to me wouldn’t copy my answers (God I hate that!) and slipped it in the box marked "Stick It Here, Stupid." Then I Fred Astaire'd my way down the steps and almost got hit by a bus as I was putting my "I VOTED!"sticker on my butt while crossing the street.
Now it's your turn. If your state allows it, VOTE NOW. Kos has the handy links here if you need 'em.

Should you be wondering, Bill's hyperlinks are still active, so feel free to click away!

To enjoy the rest of Bill's post -- and those of his fellow Kossacks -- at Daily Kos, please click here.

P.S.  Fear not, I haven't forgotten about the Trans-Siberian post.  (I knew you were wondering.)